So it’s been awhile since I posted. I realize that but I can’t even explain how hard it is to even write, to even get out of bed in the mornings, to even just wake up and know that you’ve got to face the day eventually. So that’s what it has felt like recently. It has felt lonely, it has felt as if everything that makes a sound is screaming into my ears, it felt as if I am constantly drowning in the fear that seems to bubble up at the worst possible moments, it honestly has felt like hell. Looking back at my past journal, today actually marks the twelfth month anniversary of being off of my depression meds. Yippee? I still feel as if need them but coming off of them was hell, in fact I don’t remember much when I was coming off of them. All I know is that I did some stupid stuff and it will forever show and I feel stupidly and utterly ashamed. I hate how unstable I feel at times.
The other night I just sat awake, staring at the gullible sign I put on the ceiling and I felt the strong urge to cut again. I didn’t feel the urge not so much because I was sad, I just (this is going to sound weird and freaky) I needed to feel something sharp and I needed to see that I was human. I refrained and the next day I told my friend about this (I joke around and call her my therapist) and she was happy that I refrained. She didn’t act angry or anything she just was happy that I was able to refrain from that urge to harm myself.
I feel bad because I feel as if I am the psychotic freak of the family too. I feel absolutely horrible when I wear sleeveless shirts due to the thirty three scars that are on my shoulder. I feel as of my family thinks that it is their fault that I think of myself so poorly and I feel as if they think that it is their faults that I have low levels of serotonin and because of that I tend to get kind of psycho crazy sad and mad at myself and I begin to feel as if I should be punished.
I’m sorry. I sound pathetic but it is like all of these thoughts constantly push their ways into my mind and then during the happiest of times, when I shouldn’t feel lonely at all, I find myself sitting there and beginning to withdraw into myself. But I finally realized that I have two awesome friends that have been there to kind of help me through those times and I realize that I should see that and be more thankful for things. It’s hard. I mean I have this grey life and everything yet something just is always in my mind and I tend to imagine the worst possible outcomes of things and then I get a freaking panic attack because I got myself so worked up over one thing. It’s ridiculous. I almost went into a full fledged attack today because my ex-boyfriend visited the theatre and it honestly caught me off guard. I began to feel as if I was drowning and as if the world was going to collapse in on me. My friends just saw that and thy told me that they were there for me and just told me to focus on my breathing and not to get too worked up over it. It did help and I really am thankful for them being there and I managed to survive through a conversation with him (he was talking about how he finally was able to get a compound bow). All in all, reflecting back on that today, I didn’t handle the situation ideally but I survived. That’s all that counts is that I was able to make it through it.
Also, a couple of post back I mentioned graduating early. Well I did it. I am graduating next Tuesday in fact. But I stuck to my promise to myself. Yay for me.